Hockey Rink Etiquette for Parents

The body of this post is an article I wrote in 2005, and have updated annually.

This is one of our most requested articles, and has been picked up by dozens of Minor and Youth Hockey Associations across Canada and the United States. I thought it would be a good idea to include the article here, in the Prospect Communications blog.

The article offers simple but important advice directed at parents, but that will make the game much more fun for the youngsters who play the game at any level.

*****

As the days grow a little longer, the 2006-’07 minor hockey season will soon begin to wind down.

That said, it’s not too late for parents to end the season on a high note.

We all recognize that youth hockey is an intense game on the ice, and sometimes it can be just as intense — and tense — off the ice.

There, we see parents jawing at each other, at players, at coaches, at game officials. The temperature is a little too high in the building, and some of us parents can be a little too tightly wound.

While we all say it’s about “fun”, watching our own kids play can bring out the worst instincts that we have.

We all want our sons and daughters to play, to play hard, to play well, and — there’s that phrase again — have fun. We want them to be well-coached, play on a team that is competitive in their category, and benefit in a host of ways from being involved in competitive athletics.

Yet we, as parents, sometimes undercut how much fun our kids really have, and how much they will actually benefit.

This happens by and through our often toxic behaviour, especially during games.

Unfortunately, many of us don’t recognize our own negative behaviour. We only see it in others!

So here is a primer, a reminder, of little things that we can do at and around the rink this winter to make the hockey season more pleasant for all concerned — most importantly, for the kids.

15 things to keep in mind while watching from the stands this winter:

1. Let the coaches coach. If you are telling your son or daughter — or any other player for that matter — to do something different from what their coach is telling them, you create distraction and confusion.

2. It is very unnerving for many young players to try and perform difficult tasks on the ice on the spur of the moment when parents are yelling at them from the sidelines. Let the kids play. If they have been well coached, they should know what to do on the ice. If they make a mistake, chances are they will learn from it.

3. Do not discuss the play of specific young players in front of other parents. How many times do you hear comments such as, “I don’t know how that boy made this team….” or “she’s just not fast enough…”. Too many parents act as though their own child is a ‘star’, and the problem is someone else’s kid. Negative comments and attitudes are hurtful and totally unnecessary and kill parent harmony, which is often essential to youth team success.

4. Discourage such toxic behaviour by listening patiently to any negative comments that might be made, then address issues in a thoughtful, positive way. Speak to the positive qualities of a player, family or coach. It tends to make the outspoken critics back off, at least temporarily.

5. Do your level best not to complain about your son or daughter’s coaches to other parents. Once that starts, it is like a disease that spreads. Before you know it, parents are talking constantly in a negative way behind a coach’s back. (As an aside, if you have what you truly feel is a legitimate beef with your child’s coach — either regarding game strategy or playing time, arrange an appointment to meet privately, away from the rink and other parents.)

6. Make only positive comments from the stands. Be encouraging. Young athletes do not need to be reminded constantly about their perceived errors or mistakes. Their coaches will instruct them, either during the game or between periods, and during practices. You can often see a young player make that extra effort when they hear encouraging words from the stands about their hustle.

7. Avoid making any negative comments about players on the other team. This should be simple: we are talking about youngsters, not adults who are being paid to play professionally. I recall being at a ‘rep’ baseball game some years ago, when parent on one team loudly made comments about errors made by a particular young player on the other team. People on the other side of the diamond were stunned— not to mention hurt and angry, and rightfully so. Besides being tasteless and classless, these kinds of comments can be hurtful to the young person involved and to their family as well.

8. Try to keep interaction with parents on the other team as healthy and positive as possible. Who’s kidding whom? You want your child’s team to win. So do they. But that should not make us take leave of our senses, especially our common sense. Be courteous ‘till it hurts; avoid the ‘tit for tat’ syndrome.

9. Parents on the ‘other’ team are not the enemy. Neither are the boys or girls on the other team. We should work to check any negative feelings at the door before we hit the arena.

10. What is the easiest thing to do in the youth sports world? Criticize the referees. Oh, there are times when calls are missed, absolutely. And that can, unfortunately, directly affect the outcome of a contest. That said, by and large those who officiate at youth hockey games are a) hardly over-compensated, and b) give it an honest — and often quite competent — effort. At worst, they usually at least try to be fair and objective.

11. On that note, outbursts from parents on the sideline made toward the referees only signal to our on children on the ice that they can blame the refs for anything that goes wrong. Learning early in life to make excuses and to blame others is not a formula for success in sports — or life.

12. Yelling out comments such as “Good call, ref” or “Thanks ref” may only serve to alienate an official. The ref always assumes they made the proper call, that’s why they made it. Trying to show superficial support because the call went ‘your’ way is simply annoying to the officials, and to anyone within earshot.

13. The stands are for enjoying watching your child play, and the companionship of other parents— not for negative behaviour. If you want to coach, obtain your coaching certification and then apply for a job.

14. We all feel things and are apt to be tempted to say things to others — fellow parents, officials, our own kids — in the ‘heat of the moment’. But we don’t excuse athletes for doing inappropriate things in the ‘heat of the moment’ (there are penalties, suspensions, etc.) so we should apply similar standards to our own behaviour at the rink. Make yourself pause and quickly check yourself and ask: Will I be proud of what I am about to say or do when I reflect on it tomorrow?

15. The parking lot is not the time to ‘fan the flames’. Whether it is a coach’s decision, a referee’s call, a comment that was made, let it go. Don’t harass the coach or an official or a parent on the other team after the game is over. Go home, relax, and unwind. Talk positively with your child. Many of us have made the mistake of “chewing out” our own son or daughter on the way home for perceived poor play. The ride home is sometimes as important as the game itself. Make that time a good memory for your son or daughter by discussing as many positives as you can about him/her, their coach and their teammates.

*****

Michael Langlois, founder of Prospect Communications Inc., is the author of the following books: 1) A Guide to Better Communication for Minor Hockey Coaches, 2) How Well Do You Communicate? A Guide to Better Communication with Players and Parents for Minor (Youth) Soccer Coaches, 3) An NHL Prospect's Guide, 4) The Professional Hockey Coaches' Handbook, 5) The Job Interview Guide for Professional Hockey Coaches. The Prospect Communications web site is located at http://www.prospectcommunications.com/.  This article is copyrighted to the author and may not be reproduced without obtaining written permission. To inquire about licensing the right to reproduce any of the enclosed content email: inquiries@prospectcommunications.com

A reminder from Clinton Portis

The U.S. legal system will determine if Falcons quarterback Michael Vick was in any involved in the so-called ‘dog-fighting’ scheme that his name has been allegedly linked to.

Almost as distressing was the reaction of a fellow NFL player, long-time running back Clinton Portis.

Before his team, the Washington Redskins, rushed to issue a public apology, Portis was evidently accurately quoted as saying (on ESPN.com) , "If that's what he wants to do, do it. I think people should mind their business."

The story goes on to say that when Portis was informed that dog fighting is a felony, he replied, "It can't be too bad of a crime."

Beyond the cruelty and uneccessary pain inflicted on animals stemming from this so-called “sport”, are we to believe that Portis’s attitude reflects a broader malaise about such activities?

Impossible to say, of course.

But young athletes would be well advised to keep certain thoughts to themselves.

While it is generally a good thing to be honest, engaging and open, though guarded, when interacting with reporters, situations like the one that has touched Vick should throw up red flags.

Perhaps Portis was simply saying what he really felt, that forcing dogs to fight one another is no big deal.

If so, while it is his right to hold such views, many would find those views at best disconcerting.

But to publicly express such views?

No wonder the Redskins scrambled to have him apologize publicly, and did so themselves as an organization the next day.

When is a lie the truth?

A lot of my professional work over the past 20 years has been around helping athletes and coaches at all levels—amateur and professional—understand their professional responsibilities, be aware of the needs and realities of the media, and communicate/navigate through media and public scrutiny with as much integrity and credibility as they possibly can.

Whether these individual clients meet with fans one-on-one, interact with the media daily or occasionally, or encounter more formal public speaking opportunities, the ability to communicate clearly and credibly is vital to their off-field and off-ice endeavors—and success—for a whole host of reasons.

This brings us to a recent situation involving Major League Baseball’s Toronto Blue Jays.

Revealing and/or formally reporting sports injuries is handled a little different from sport to sport.

As gambling is vital to the popularity of pro football in the United States, the NFL has long had a firm policy that teams must disclose all—even minor—injuries the week of the next scheduled game, and to declare the statistical likelihood of a particular athlete being available to play in that game.

Hockey, on the other hand, has a long history of coaches deliberately being vague about the severity of injuries; in recent years it has become a running joke about whether a player has an “upper-body” or “lower-body” injury. NHL players take great pride in playing through pain, but coaches don’t like the opposition to know what injured area they should be going after during a game.

Baseball is a little different. Some guys play with injuries, of course, but teams don’t generally make a point of hiding injury information. A hang-nail puts some guys on the 15-day DL in baseball, and Sammy Sosa missed 15 days a few years ago after he sneezed and pulled a muscle, so what’s to hide?

All this said, an ethicist or perhaps a linguist would no doubt have fun with the following story:

Toronto Blue Jays closer B.J. Ryan was placed on the disabled list earlier this season. Evidently the team had claimed the pitcher had back problems dating back to spring training. Last week, General Manager J.P. Ricciardi declared that it was actually the lefty’s elbow, not his back, that was the problem that ultimately landed the player on the 60-day DL.

As mentioned, this sort of thing (not being straightforward about injuries) happens in hockey all the time, though not in football.

Most fans could care less whether it was a player’s back or his elbow. They simply want to know if the guy is too hurt to play effectively.

In a recent Globe & Mail and Canadian Press story, Ricciardi is quoted as denying he ever “lied” about the nature of Ryan’s injury.

In the interview, Ricciardi is quoted as saying, “It was his elbow that was bothering him. So we said it was his back, so we could have a bit more time.”

More time for what, I’m not sure. But whatever his reason, the fact remains that Ricciardi and the Jays organization reported false information regarding the nature of Ryan’s injury.

Remembering again that masking the details of injury is not entirely uncommon, perhaps more troubling than the initial misinformation was Ricciardi’s explanation of his own behaviour. Ricciardi maintains that he did not lie about Ryan’s reason for being on the DL.

In a questionable twisting of words, Ricciardi reportedly made a point of telling the media, “It’s not lies if we know the truth.”

A lot of people have probably tried to understand that sentence, wondering if that is really what Ricciardi intended to say.

Assuming Ricciardi said what he meant to say, a question for him might be: If you do know the truth and don’t report the truth, and in fact report something else, is that not a lie? In fact, is that not the definition of a lie?

Regardless, it is fair to suggest that whatever equity this General Manager has tried to establish – and milk—with the media and fans over the past several years may be harmed more by the use of intentionally disingenuous language, than by a long losing streak.

Those two things together are an even worse cocktail when it comes to his believability and credibility with the media—and fans.

As I often remind my clients, it generally takes years to build your credibility, but only a few seconds to throw it away.

It's Better to go fishing

By now most NFL observers and fans are aware of the events of the recent NFL draft, and the brick-like fall of Notre Dame quarterback Brady Quinn.

Quinn is a tremendously gifted athlete from a big name school, coached by a well-regarded former NFL coach at a prestigious college.

Quinn conducted what amounts to a media and public relations campaign to project himself as the deserving number 1 overall choice in the draft.

When he was not selected first, a confluence of events conspired to see his stock fall, such that he was not actually chosen until 22nd overall, though at least still in the first round of the football draft.

Readers will know that, as with the NBA draft, many of the top college players are invited to attend the NFL draft, and sit in the so-called “green room” awaiting their name to be called before they step out onto the stage and meet with commissioner at the podium and smile for the TGV cameras.

Quinn was indeed on hand in person, looking more pained by the moment as 21 names were called before him.

Interestingly, one fellow prospective choice, Joe Thomas of Wisconsin, chose to not attend the draft, spending the day fishing with his Dad and a friend. He was selected third overall and evidently found out about his selection later, by phone.

While Quinn, by all accounts, handled his ‘fall’ with about as much grace as a young person can under the circumstances, it brings to mind something that hockey guru Don Cherry stresses to young players every spring: you may want to consider not attending the NHL draft, unless you are absolutely – absolutely—certain your name will be called when you anticipate it will be.

(I say much the same to my young hockey clients. While it can be a once-in-a-lifetime thrill to be at the draft and hear your name called, it can also be a major disappointment when agents, coaches, scouts and friends have been telling you you’ll be drafted, and then you sit there and watch name after name called, and you’re dying inside with every pick…)

There is no question Quinn worked most of his young life toward that moment when his name would be called early in the NFL draft.

His ‘late’ selection still surpassed all those who were selected after him, and in rounds 2,3,4,5,6, and 7-- and those who played hard and well throughout their collegiate careers but were not selected at all, or even offered a free agent contract after the draft.

And Quinn’s sporting achievement surpasses those who would love to be in his shoes, but had not the talent, tenacity or support system that he had over many years.

That all said, a young athlete is sometimes wise to shun the spotlight, lessen his expectations, and when in doubt .............go fishing.